Hey guys, thought I'd put this up to hear some feedback. It's hopefully getting published soon in the next issue of a local zine started up by some friends from home http://thebodyattacksitself.blogspot.com/
Wanda's Song
Wanda waited at the window
For Benny to come around the bend
Skipping and singing a tune
On a warm afternoon
For Wanda to be wed
For Benny to lay with her in bed
While at that time up in the mountains
Mocking bird was mocking all along
That bird mocks every man
And takes everything with his song
And everyone knows about the coyots'
How they cry at the moon
When the wind is weightless
Well and the air has stung
They moan the name of the loved one
To the tune of the twisted trees
And the cry of the coyotes
Wanda fell to her knees
And though she begs and though she pleas
Benny had gone to the mountains to rest in peace
And the mocking bird mocks relentlessly along
Taking everything with his song
- Joelle Diane
This is pretty cool--I like the sing-songey, tragic Western ballad feel. A couple of things you could perhaps tighten up: Might sound more like a ballad in the present tense: i.e. "Wanda waits at the window." The rhyme at the end of the first stanza sounds a tad forced. Try maybe internal rhymes? Change the subject here to Benny? "He's coming round the bend to wed Wanda and share her bed"
ReplyDelete"Meanwhile, up in the mountains." (?) "Takes everything away" (?)
"weightless / as a dried-out well that the air has stung" (?) "Loved one" also sounded maybe a bit forced--"beloved"? maybe a -un rhyme word? well that's had its run..." (?)
An adjective for the coyotes maybe. "although" or "'though." "pleads" for "pleas." I would cut "to rest in peace" which makes the death a tad more haunting for the reader--who will get the point anyway surely. "everything away."
Lovely, excellent work.