Monday, May 30, 2011

In Reflection.

It's inspirational to talk with friends who had a normal upbringing. They have a confidence and bliss that makes me a little jealous. In their world things are good and people are pretty nice. I'm suspicious of these people, then again I'm suspicious of everyone. This often makes me wonder if the thing I think and feel are real. Is my boyfriend really still in love with his ex as I believe he might be or am I trying to push him away because I don't feel good enough to be loved? I don't believe this, and Freud can kiss my ass. I don't trust him either. It's exhausting being defensive all the time, and while I'd love to believe the world is full of kittens and butterflies I can't. I watch too much CNN, and I read too many books, and I stopped believing in god the moment I realized this "all knowing being" was fucking sexist. I can't believe in a man who hates vagina so much.

This also brings me to my current state of confusion. Is love worth believing in enough for marriage and commitment? I've always thought no. Not even, "no", but, "no fucking way". However now I'm to that age where I'm wondering if it's worth dying alone if I can just stop being a lunatic and let someone love me. All the while I'm thinking, "what does he get out of this, what does he want from me?". Can I just be without thinking? Probably not, but I'm going to try.

During the past week my boyfriend had a group of his spanish friends in town. In general I don't like spanish men, they are sexy and spanish is pretty, but they're a little too scary towards women for my taste. These men were too, but they were amazing to me and turned their tactics elsewhere. It's the first time since living in Italy that I felt completely at home. Despite my disdain for men romantically, I seem to only connect with them as friends. Since childhood my friends have been male, and when home I travel in a giant pack of them. All wild wolves, all protective and sweet towards me. I can be myself without scaring the shit out of them, and they let me do what I want without being judgemental. This weekend, experiencing that, made me want to run from my relationship as fast as possible. Not because I'm attracted to any of the guys, because I'm not, but rather because they give me a sense of security and self esteem that i can't possibly get from a relationship. Relationships are about being, "kept" where lies, bad intentions, and deceit are a part of maintenance, (shake your head that your relationship is different, and you're full of shit). Friendship is about acceptance, because you have to just accept what you cant change, and changing is for romantic love, and applies to no other relationships. I need acceptance. But I can't be accepting. Relationships are also about double standards.

So why is it we can't build a relationship with our friends? Sex. What a bunch of crap. I want to be Bonobo for a day. Pop goes the weezle, but everything's the same regardless. In human relationships this isn't possible. So we have sex and next thing you know you're both confused and saying "I love you" because you're too fucking lazy to look for the next bang-bang. I'm right, and you know it. Sure, feelings are a part of it, but that's really just ownership, and/or a hope for their well-being in general. There is also the, "I love you because I was dumped on my ass and my pride was hurt and now I need to prove I'm still love-able", I love you. This is my boyfriend. Spanish girl dumps him on his ass and he wants to marry me to prove to himself that he's not worthless. I know that, he knows that, she knows that, but I still agree to it because I'm not sure if I'm making it all up in my head to defend myself from something, or because it's true. But I think it's true.

I need a pack of rabid animals called men to befriend. I need to run around and cause trouble with them. I don't need the "I do's" and the, "please give me worth" shit. What in the hell am I doing in Italy where I can't be friends with guys, and where my boyfriend is still jerking off over his ex-girlfriend's fondness for public sex and cum loads in her eye.

Maybe I'm just scared because I'm not ready. Freud can kiss my ass.

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