A blog for and by the current and alumni students of the Studio Art Centers International Creative Writing course.
I like that with the mention of time, you swirl around the last line, and make the poem slightly arrhythmic. I am not the sort to criticize poetry, as I'm not a writer of it, but I think that as long as it is passionate and sincere--without an attempt to emulate or confound, any of that junk--it could be considered a success. This one sounds like it could have been written many generations ago! Simple, universal, passionate!
Very good first attempt. You've managed to take a form of poetry that is often trite, sing-song and drippy and elevated it to something sophisticated. Keep writing!